The Bionic Woman (1976): Episode 6 Review

Jaime’s allegiances to the OSI and to Ojai align in The Bionic Woman episode 6, as she investigates a local who might have just fired a missile at Los Angeles.

Anyway, having gathered the kids around these telescopes, talk quickly falls to local hero, ex-astronaut, Colonel Steve Austin (Lee Majors). Which must surely mean he’s soon to pop up – and oh, look, there he is. He’s stood beside Oscar (Richard Anderson), who’s stood over a missile, a missile that landed last night in the Los Angeles reservoir. The missile appears empty, but it seems to have nuclear capabilities, and, you won’t believe it, the Military Emergency Warning System (MEWS for short) was somehow disrupted for the missile’s entire flight time, meaning that it wasn’t able to be intercepted. Now, who could possibly be responsible for such a thing? 

We cut to Jaime using her powers to bake a lemon meringue pie. Nothing like a bit of domesticity to keep our superheroes in check. Tell me, did Steve Austin ever use his powers for a spot of baking? “Ooh, my favourite”, says Oscar, with a kiss on Jaime’s cheek, letting himself into her house, and then telling her that last night’s missile was launched nearby, from the property of a J.T. Connors (Forrest Tucker). A man who was apparently Jaime’s first tennis sponsor, but who has become a little politically bitter since his son died in Vietnam. Surely The Bionic Woman isn’t about to set up the character of a grieving father as the episode’s villain, what with the war so fresh in people’s memory. 

Jaime’s reluctant to snoop on J.T., having known him for so long, but Oscar insists, and Jaime relents for the sake of all the human misery another missile launch could probably cause. And so it is not just an OSI mission in The Bionic Woman episode 6, nor just an Ojai-based side quest either, but both! And, you know, I’m glad. I’m getting quite fond of this Ojai place, and I’m starting to think it does the show well to have a central location.

I wonder if the town had much The Bionic Woman/The Six Million Dollar Man tourism back in the ‘70s. People heading over to Ojai to check out the tennis courts and some of the surrounding country. I’ve never been one for that kind of touring, but I could be tempted here. Probably because it strikes me as cool to go to California, and avoid L.A. whilst over there. Aren’t I just the silliest little contrarian? 

So, as indicated by Oscar, it turns out that this J.T. does indeed have some opinions. He reckons there’s some nasty conspiracy in the recent fluoridation of tap water, that America is generally going to the dogs, and likes using variations of a certain phrase: “…those soft-heads in Washington”, “…those feather-brains in Washington”, etc. Which is all pretty tame compared to the stuff we’re familiar with today, but if he keeps it up we might all begin to think that he’s got nukes in the garden and fancies bombing L.A. So he ought to watch himself. 

J.T. gives Jaime a reminisceful tour of his ranch, which probably lasts hours, for the place is massive. He’s even got his own trainyard! But, some things are different. J.T. has got a new engineer, called Rayker (Ben Piazza), who’s come on suddenly as J.T.’s right-hand man, and he’s souped up the place like a ‘70s smart home, all controlled by this big, hardly-portal remote control. A suspicious presence this Rayker, don’t you think? 

Honestly, I’ve not had much exposure to ranches outside of westerns. But where ranches in the 1870s, according to the movies I’ve seen, were supposedly all horses, spurs, and just an agitated Indian away from a house fire, in the 1970s, according to the first six episodes of The Bionic Woman, they were supposedly all missiles, lions, and cyborgs. And there was me thinking that ‘ranch’ was just American for ‘big farm’. 

There is one building, however, that J.T. lets nobody enter. And so once it’s dark, Jaime sneaks out of the guest room, heads on over to this secret building, jumps the fence, breaks the lock, and lets herself in. And what’s this console that’s labelled ‘high frequency intercept and jam’, hmm? But elsewhere: “Mr Connors, there’s an intruder in the radar installation”, informs Rayker. Jaime is then introduced to the secret building’s security system. A voice over the tannoy, pressure plates in the floor, motion-activated lasers. The full monty, real Mission: Impossible stuff. But no trouble for Jaime Sommers. One big jump to the door, and one big kick later, she’s out into the night air. 

She does manage to screw up one of her bionic legs in doing so however, and now she’s got wires exposed under her trousers. You know, like that bit with Arnie’s forearm from The Terminator. Say, when did The Terminator come out again? 1984? Huh, that’s curious. 

Due to this leg injury, Jaime gets caught, and J.T. leads her back to bed, before forcing her to swill down something she doesn’t want to. The stuff looks like water to me, but don’t ever drink something you don’t want to, people. Especially when it’s coming from an old friend who might just be plotting to nuke Los Angeles. 

Somehow, there’s no animosity between the two in the morning, and Jaime goes on to tell J.T. about the reservoir missile and how she was sent here to poke around, and J.T. goes on to tell Jaime that he’s got nothing to do with it. But what about that new geezer, Rayker? And what do you mean he’s not here? Where is he? J.T. goes looking for him, and then one of J.T.’s uniformed security comes to take Jaime away. And, oh, here’s Rayker himself, and here’s Jaime being locked in a storage room, and here’s J.T. splayed on the floor with a big bump on the back of his head. 

Rayker figures that Jaime is with the feds, and has her dial Oscar. Rayker then demands Oscar deliver fifteen million dollars to the ranch, alone, within five hours, or the MEWS can say goodbye to their radars and hello to an incoming missile. 

So there’s the plot. Fairly straightforward stuff, really. Rayker just fancies a payday. But how are Jamie, J.T., Steve, and Oscar to foil the plans of this scheming little blighter? Jaime and J.T. get thrown back in the storage room, Oscar gathers the fifteen million dollars in a heartbeat (the OSI are obviously swimming in funds) and gets into a helicopter, sure that Jaime will have saved the day before he gets to Ojai, and Steve is left behind with all the radars and flashing lights. 

In the hopes that this ‘electronic genius’ friend of hers might be able to help out, Jaime reveals all to J.T., and she pulls some wires out of the wall, which he prods and sparks inside of her leg, apparently providing a temporary fix to her problems. Jaime is then able to kick the door down and the two of them head for Rayker, but the secret building’s security system has been buffed up since Jaime’s previous break-in. This allows The Bionic Woman episode 6 ample time to indulge in one of the show’s favourite past-times: pointing the camera at the scrunched faces and shaking heads of beer-bellied American blokes as they say things like “wow, you sure are some type of woman Jaime”, “gosh, if only I knew more women like you Jaime”, etc. 

Then, in the final minutes: Steve’s radars are jammed, and a missile is on the way after Rayker’s activator thing is dropped to the floor when J.T. tackles him, just after Oscar arrives, but before Oscar can pass over all that cash. Jaime’s leg starts really playing up, but she needs to get to the secret building and sabotage its antenna so that Steve, in L.A., can intercept the missile. Tense! Will they manage it? 

Well, it would be an insult to anyone’s intelligence if I didn’t assume you already know the answer. The Bionic Woman episode 6 then ties off with a quick Steve and Jaime reunion, consisting of a hug, a few words, and a kiss (yuck!), and J.T. closes out his sole appearance by saying to Oscar: “you wouldn’t believe what this young lady can do”. Aside from talk like that however, episode 6 is a fairly breezy watch. The skies are always blue, the actors always squinting into the sun, and the outfits always captivating in The Bionic Woman. A fitting summer-time watch. Something I’d easily recommend if you’re in and out of the house, wanting to put something on in the background, but are sick of listening to that playlist you made two months ago. 

And yeah, sure, The Bionic Woman as a show could be a lot better. The misogyny could be turned down, those frequently featured, like Steve’s parents, or Jaime’s school kids, could be developed into actual characters, the villains could be a little less obvious. All of that and more. 

But, easy as it is to say: “ah, those are just the limits of its time”, I don’t think there are any ‘improved’ versions of this show being made today. An episodic, easy-watching superhero show, aimed at adults, with varied side characters and present day morals? Maybe I’m out of the loop, but not many examples occur to me. There’s Birdgirl (2021), but that’s an Adult Swim animation. There’s DC’s Stargirl (2020), but that centres on high-schoolers. There’s the remake of this very show, Bionic Woman (2007), but that’s already over fifteen years old. So maybe it’s not just earlier telly that’s limited by its time, but new stuff too. Food for thought.

Episode 6 of The Bionic Woman is now available to watch on digital and on demand.

The Bionic Woman (1976): Episode 7 Review – Loud And Clear Reviews

A beauty contest features in The Bionic Woman episode 7; a plot involving the city of Paris, a key, and a dead OSI agent makes up the rest.

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